Monday, January 14, 2008

So Not Smooth

I give terrible first impressions. I always do. I put people off, or act completely insane. So much, that I'm practically unapproachable. Many times I will just talk too much. I don't even need a drink, sometimes...I just shoot words all over the place covering you in things you didn't really want to know.

In college, the famous saying went, "when I first met you I thought you were _____" and fill in the blank. A snob. Gay. Insane. An idiot. Crazy. A theater major.

A theater major? Do you really hate me that much? There is nothing worse than a theater major. Minor in it and go to Hollywood using your degree, for heaven's sakes, while searching for that breakthrough audition.

I had to give a first impression today. There's a student teacher at the school right now. I figured I would be the nice teacher and introduce myself. A student teacher can use a friend, right? I needed one. I sat at the lunch table when I student-taught, bored. I had two cross country coaches, one was a cocky douche bag, while the other one loved beer too much to lose any weight, always making me ask the question, "and...you're a runner?"

The other guy, the English teacher, was fairly decent. Looking back, he reminded me of Hugh Laurie from "House." Not the character, mind you. He wasn't a pissy mean old know-it-all. Although, around the other two, he was a giant yawn to be around as well. Don't even get me started with the women that ate at that lunch.

"How many points does that have?" They all ask, as they put the Doritos in their mouths. I was always on the verge of making a bulimia joke:

"Do the points count if they come back up?"

So, I shook hands with the student teacher, introduced myself and probably freaked him out.

I might as well say "dead babies! Dead babies!" at him. Who knows what I really said, but I'm it triggered the thought:

"What the hell? I don't want to eat with you."

I offered him a place for lunch. Told him my own experience was a bit rough socially. Felt my face get really red. Looked at the large window in the media center. Ran toward it. Broke through. Ran away screaming, apologizing for ever approaching him.

I never know what I say. I need a videographer to just capture my first impressions so I can see how bad they really are. I'm not really sure what I said, but I knew I could've been a little smoother.

It's not in my genetic code, though. I will fall, say something horribly rude and disgusting out loud, say to Steph, while shopping for sheets in Marshall's, "since we're brother and sister and we got married!" trying to make a joke or something...

Or better yet, at Target, while in the cleaning isle I say "That will leave a much better smell than me in the bathroom" or something of that nature, where a woman turned around and looked at me (I meant the cleaner I use, not me...seriously woman, any of these cleaning products will smell better than anyone after they've used the bathroom).

Even better, when I'm trying to be stern with a student and tell them how horrible they are being and "you are being disrespectful right now" and as I walk backwards, I begin to trip on a student's foot and then the leg of the chair and I can't get my balance and the "scolding" loses all weight.

Sadly, it takes a the second impression to see that I'm actually totally funny and very likeable. A bit of a spazz, yes, but isn't that the charm?