Saturday, February 23, 2013

I've decided to read some classics


I'm listening to "Dracula" right now. Well, not right now.

If I were listening to it right now, I would probably be transcribing the audio (without realizing), so when I would hit the publish button, I would be sued for plagiarism.

Whoops. I thought I wrote original content...

That would be bad, but people out there would think me brilliant. "You're such a Gothic writer," they would write. "Your writing reminds me of someone..."

Actually, the people that would think my stolen writing as brilliant wouldn't use the word Gothic. Gothic to them would be Britney Spears wearing dark eyeliner: "She's such a goth." 

If I accidentally copied the book, I would just change Dracula's name to Fred. No one will know the difference. Fred drove the carriage. Fred had long fingernails. Fred had sharp, white teeth. The lay people called him Count Fred. Fred had no reflection.

It couldn't be any worse than all those adult fiction authors that just rename Edward and Bella in their fan fiction and get it published. Along with all those extra dirty scenes.

OK, so I wouldn't go copying "Dracula" (or "Count Fred" as it would be called), but I have decided to consume a few more classics this year.

Back in January, I looked in the mirror and told myself, "Self, it's time to read some old books. You're beginning to write like a valley girl."

And, like, I totally downloaded "Dracula" first -- both the audio book for my drive home and the actual book.

I do believe that is how I will "read" my classics this year. As long as the narrators don't annoy me. Luckily I'm almost done with "Dracula" because the reader is beginning to get on my nerves. It could also be how Bram Stoker writes his female characters.

You see, I'm a fan of Buffy, so I'm used to the female characters doing all the vampire killing -- not the gentlemen telling the woman to "sit this one out."

But that's another post for another day.