Saturday, April 04, 2015

"The Ten Commandments" Live Blog-Post-a-Thon Event! Part Two


Moses Has Left the Palace:
Ew, Vincent Price the Master Builder is being all smarmy, hitting on one of the female slaves, and not just any female slave: Joshua's girlfriend, Lilia! He just decided that she will be his. Then, he's carried away. Lilia is totally depressed, slouching on the ground.

She wanted Joshua to ask her to the dance, not the Master Builder, regardless of how popular he is.

Then, more royalty pulls up. This area must have a lot of traffic.

Moses' Girlfriend catches Moses working in the mud, and demands that he comes with her. She dances around him, as he's covered in dried mud. She yearns for him. She misses him!

"Moses, Moses...you wanna help your people? Come back to the Palace!"

"Woman! I will not!"

Then she's all: "Moses, Moses, think of me as Ramses wife. I will use jealousy to win you back to the Palace."

They kiss, what might be their final kiss, and he struts away, "You will never have me."

Meet-Cute with Lilia and Joshua
Cut to: Smarmy Vincent Price the Master Builder. He's dressing up his latest catch, Lilia, but Joshua storms into the premises. No one touches his girl! She hates the color gold!

Joshua is a total hero.

Cecil B. DeMille has allowed for Vincent Price to have too much screen time. This Master Builder has nothing to do with the main plot of the movie. He's about to whip Joshua for trying to save Lilia, but wait!

Enter Moses!

Vincent Price was a mere plot device to help Moses meet Joshua and Lilia.

Moses strangles Smarmy Vincent Price the Master Builder to save Lilia and Joshua while calling him "The Master Butcher."

Touche.

Moses Chooses His Path
Pharaoh and Ramses ramble on about Moses. He's been caught for killing Smarmy Vincent Price the Master Butcher.

"Bring him in!"

Moses' Girlfriend is shocked to see him in chains. They each have something in common now: They have both killed.

Ramses is a proud peacock in his Egyptian clothes, speaking down to Moses. He's really enjoying this. The truth has been showcased to Egyptian royalty -- Moses is not blood, he is a Hebrew slave.

Ramses wins!

But wait, Pharaoh is showing Moses some grace, but Moses tells Pharaoh that he is, indeed, a Hebrew slave. So Pharaoh hands Ramses Moses' Girlfriend and pronounces him future-Pharaoh.

The rest of this is scene is just Pharaoh getting all British, walking around the set like Hamlet.

Cut to: Moses shackled in a cell. Ramses and Moses' Girlfriend are now there.

"I win," Ramses just said, speaking in Over-Dramatic.

Moses' Girlfriend kisses Moses one. Last. Time.

Cut to: Ramses shines bright like a diamond in his Egyptian garb as he stands out in the desert with Moses, ready to cast him out. Ramses has decided to let the desert kill Moses so he doesn't have to.

Bad, choice, Ramses. You'll be regretting that decision in a few hours.

Now, Moses must walk through the desert as he gets sand blasted. All he has is his walking stick, his robe  all blowing around like he's in a music video, dancing to the dirge of the British narrator.

He takes long, stumbling strides, bored to tears by the narration.

He has no clue what the narrator is saying. He collapses in boredom, confused by all the metaphor, dragging himself to...what?

A goat!

Woman Shepherds Swooning at the Well, Moses Chooses a Wife
A bunch of woman are going on about men and how they can't stop thinking about them. Lily Munster wades through a bunch of ferns, and then proclaims how she's found: A Man!

Then, some bullies come over and try to take water from the well -- but with the toot of a horn, Moses stomps out and kicks their butts.

Lily Munster silently swoons: "The stranger is strong."

There is so much bosom clutching in this movie.

Now, the women and Moses are flirting. They're wiping him down with their drool.

Moses presents himself to Jethro, the Father of Many Bumbling Giggling Girls. They chill out and eat pita. Jethro invites Moses to chill with his posse.

"I am a stranger in a strange land!" Moses proclaims.

"Pish posh," Jethro says. "My daughters will teach you how to be a shepherd."

Cut to: Moses is a shepherd now!

He gazes upon Mount Sinai, and Lily Munster tells Moses that God is up there.

Moses is still so super-dirty, but Lily Munster looks like she just bathed. She's even got gold earrings on. What's that about? Did she just bring him water from their charcoal filtration system?

They have a Kierig in the tent.

Cut to: The tent where the daughters are fighting over Moses.

"I wish everyday was a shearing festival!" one of them calls out.

Girlfriend, I do to.

Lily Munster hands out hand cymbals to her sisters. They scoff that she's not going to dance with them, but she's all, "I am not going to shake my booty at Moses. I'm going to tend the sheep."

The daughters/sisters come out and dance, but Moses' heart sinks. Where's Lily Munster?

All the men are cat-calling, and telling Moses that he can only have one of them.

This is naughty. Cecil B. DeMille even got a G-rating for this movie.

Now that the dance is over, Moses must choose his wife.

Who will he give a rose to?

Cut to: Lily Munster and Moses have a secret date in the cave.

"Which of my sisters did you give a rose to?" she asks.

"None of them."

"You're heart was scarred by some bimbo in Egypt, wasn't it?"

Moses looks off into the cave. He doesn't want to remember Moses' Girlfriend, who is now married to Ramses. "Yes."

Now Lily Munster is spewing poetry at Moses. He's fidgeting around in his robe, looking for the rose. He can't find it. Instead, he places his hand on Lily Munster. He ties a string around her wrist, choosing her to be his lawfully wedded wife.