Saturday, April 04, 2015

"The Ten Commandments" Live Blog-Post-a-Thon Event! Part Three


My favorite parts of the movie are when they're at the Palace. I think this is because I like stories about rich people with problems, and these rich people have problems!

A whole plague of them.

Moses Gets a Makeover
I missed why Moses was compelled to climb the mountain. The doorbell rang and the Girls went crazy. Then, my phone wasn't ringing, and I wasn't getting text messages! It was complete chaos!

But everything has settled, which brings me to a pivotal plot point: Moses' Makeover.

The voice of James Earl Jones is telling Moses that he's been chosen, that he gets the final rose. Really, the Burning Bush in this movie is my favorite. I think because it's 1950's special effects. What movie wizards can do now can look more believable, but the runty bush with light glowing from it wins, hands down.

I think it's the subtlety.

Wait, is that Joshua? I can't remember if he walked the desert to look for Moses. He probably did. I mean, they're best friends. That, and when you do the Big Reveal in "What Not to Wear," you want to make sure all the most important people are there to witness it, right?

Oh! It's the Big Reveal. How will everyone respond to Moses new look?

"Moses, your hair," Lily Munster says, running her hands through it.

He must've used a whole can of Biblical Hairspray.

He went up the mountain with barely a beard and regular hair, and he walks back down with a fro streaked in white. Something the Bride of Frankenstein would envy.

It is time to move this plot forward! Moses takes his staff and begins to walk.

Intermission!
You mean, I actually have to get up and change the DVD? Can't DVDs hold more than this? I mean, seriously.

I hope the second act is shorter. That's usually the case when it comes to things like this. The first half is so much longer than the second half.

Moses Pays Ramses a Surprise Visit
Blah, blah, blah, everyone is paying Ramses (now the Pharaoh) a visit, but who's that in the back? He doesn't look like he's rich.

Oh. My. Gosh.

It's Moses!

"Let my people go," Moses quoteths.

Ramses does not listen. Instead, he makes life harder for the Hebrew slaves.

"Good, one, Moses. Thanks a lot," they shout at him.

Then, he goes and visits Moses' Girlfriend, even though she's married and has a child (with the same weave as Ramses). She professes her love for him, still.

"That Moses is dead," he says.

Just walk out, Moses. Don't listen to her! Now, she's threatening him. "If you don't come to me, you're people will never leave!"

Whatever.

"You've got no power over me," he says. "Be gone before someone drops a house on you."

Let the Plagues, Begin!
I'm surprised Ramses allows Moses to just hang around.

Uh, hello? Ramses? Moses is a threat, right?

Even the great epics have plot holes, I suppose.

Who knows how many days Moses has been around Ramses, trying to let his people go, but Ramses is having none of it.

Now we're at the Nile. We all know what's about to happen next and Ramses just stands there, with his fists on his hips, all smug.

Then, Moses goes and turns the Nile to blood.

"For seven days," Moses pronounces. Ramses tries to undo it, but, nope!

Moses: 1, Ramses: 0.

Then there's another scene where Moses just walks around the Palace freely. Does he go and help himself to food? He knows where the kitchen is, since he used to live there.

Ramses still doesn't believe in God, so Moses goes to the balcony and speaks of hail that catches on fire.

"Pish, posh," Ramses says.

Then there's that creepy breeze, you know the one, right before a storm comes? On a humid day, when you know a storm is afoot, the darkest clouds push over the land and a cool breeze casts away the heat. Yeah, that happens.

Then, Ramses patio is doused with hail that catches on fire.

Moses: 2, Ramses: 0.

That, and it's dark for three days, totally wigging people out.

Moses: 3, Ramses: 0

"C'mon Ramses, just let the people go, dude!" one of Ramses men says.

Ramses is just so gosh darn stubborn.

In the meantime, Moses' hair continues to grow in wild disarray, but Ramses is not going to falter. He's not threatened by Moses' hair -- or the next plague.

"It's on your head, not mine," Moses says.

"Just go away," Ramses says. "Why did I even let you come back?"

Then the worst plague comes -- the death to the first born, if there is no lambs blood on the door.

Moses: 4, Ramses: 0

(In all reality, it's Moses: 10, Ramses: 0, but the movie would've been about 10 hours longer if Cecil decided to put frogs, locusts and boils in the movie, too.)

Ramses finally gives in.

Let My People Go!
The entire cast of "The Ten Commandments" begins their mass exodus away from the Egyptians. This took an entire month to shoot.

And there was no catering. Cecil wanted the cast members to know what it must've been like to leave Egypt.

For a movie made in the 50's, the cinematography really is pretty spectacular!

But not before Ramses changes his mind!

Chariot-scene!

Why didn't the rest of this movie move this fast? Five minutes after everyone left, Ramses was dressed in his battle gear, ready to go. They approach with break-neck speed, kicking up dust in all directions.

Moses becomes Traffic Director, and tells everyone to go to the sea.

"Watch this!"

But before Moses parts the Red Sea, all the people feel jipped! Boy do they feel bad after they see what happens, next.

"We were just kidding, Moses!" they shout at him when the see the fire tornado stop Ramses' men and the storm clouds come to push the sea to two sides. "Ha, ha. Just. Kidding."

The special effects are pretty cool. I'm sure there's a documentary out there somewhere that spills all the secrets, but I doubt it was done by green screen.

Woo! It looks breezy down there as they walk through the parted sea.

Uh-oh, the fire tornado is gone. Ramses charges ahead!

People who saw this movie in the theater, if they weren't asleep by now, were probably grinding their teeth and chewing their nails from the suspense.

Then, boom! The Egyptians are washed away.

Ramses loses.

You know the rest. Everyone dances around the Golden Calf for a few minutes when Moses comes down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments, scolding them.

So let it be written, so let it be done, indeed.