Thursday, November 26, 2015

Liveblogging Event: The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

I'm fashionably late to this whole thing. And then I dropped my laptop on the floor, and the parade, at this point, is showcasing nothing but bad pop stars lip syncing to their own terrible music.

Old lady in hockey gear dancing to Jake Owen's crap song? What is this?

I don't know if I have the energy. My arms are hurting from doing an Insanity Max 30 workout two days ago, and Maeve keeps scream-barking at all the moving things outside.

The first hour of the parade is all the Broadway shows none of us get to see. This second hour is lambasting us with popular culture floats, tainted pop music and marching bands.

Oh, great, Andy Grammar just nah-nah-nah'd at us. He can go away. I don't think he'll sell any more records for Christmas. I think I'd rather have a lump of coal in my stocking.

And, what, Panic at the Disco? They're too spastic for Thanksgiving -- like, they're music is that unpredictable family member sitting at the Thanksgiving table. You just don't know what they're going to say.

I actually don't mind these guys, and I see that they're hanging out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the Nickelodeon float, so I guess I can't hate on all that too much. Those turtles have fans I'm not getting in the way of.

BUT I WON'T BE NICE TO THE POWER RANGERS! Wait. That's it? You mention a movie coming out in 2017, do a single pan of the red Power Ranger balloon and call it a day?

I will give it up to all the dancers that make their way to the giant green space in front of Macy's. Since I was a dancer in a previous life, I can relate to them, but wait -- now we've got the Plain White T's performing? Where have they been?

Do you see the kids waving on the Royal Caribbean float as they perform? It's like they've been possessed by old ladies. They must be pacing themselves, since they've got, like, 2.65 miles.

It takes 75 people to hold onto the Spongebob Squarepants balloon, but they're holding onto, what looks like, boomerangs. Now we've got a pirate float and Matt Lauer just mentioned how he's always looking for more booty. Steph wasn't paying attention, was like, "What?!" and then saw that the word "booty" was attached to the pirate. Then she said, "Oh."

We've hit the pinnacle -- a bunch of men in little blue shorts, tank tops and red jackets dancing around to Jamaroquai, followed by a bluegrass band called Mipso.

If you wanted to peg me in a one-minute sequence, that's it.

And with that, I'm going to call this liveblog done. We're hosting Thanksgiving, and I need to vacuum.