By the power of Grayskull, I am....
LIVEBLOGGING THE LIVE-ACTION MOVIE OF HE-MAN!
Because, I have to. And because Dolph Lundgren, Courtney Cox and Frank Langella -- a three-time Tony winner -- are in it. Like, if anyone is going to play Skeletor, it has to be someone with Tony Awards, am I right?
Skeletor is Winning on Planet He-Man
Oooo...apparently the reason our universe is at balance is because of Castle Grayskull. Neato. Castle Grayskull is the reason my coffee is so good this morning. Castle Grayskull is the reason the sun is shining today, after days of gray, cloudy skies.
The Narrator is telling me that the Armies of Darkness are getting stronger, as they always do, and wait...SKELETOR! You're here!
"I'm sorry Castle Grayskull is a bit dusty. It's just, well, the Power of Good has been so strong lately. We weren't expecting you!"
As Skeletor walks into the throne room like Darth Vader, somewhere a big wig at Disney turns in his
I think the main writer for this movie was like, "What if 'Star Wars' happened on Earth?" and then decided to use He-Man as the vehicle to answer this question. But then, the writer later asked himself, "And what if there were synthesizers, too?"
And so it is written...
Skeletor, we find, has taken the Sorceress as prisoner -- apparently Meryl Streep was impersonating Cher when Skeletor captured her. She's super-important, and so to brag, Skeletor has sent out a space-gram to all of, um...what's the planet called? Planet He-Man? He sends out a space-gram to all of Planet He-Man to pronounce his evil victory over all.
"She hasn't won an Oscar in a while, so..."
But who stands in the wasteland! Behold, it is none other than He-Man! He comes in glory sporting his California Mullet and glistening spray tan. He has come to rescue us all from the Tony-Award-Winning shenanigans of Skeletor! He-Man, a glistening, 80's glam-god stands with one foot upon a rock, ready to fight for all that is...hairspray!
Hold on...his pager is going off. It's a giant hologram of Skeletor's head. Skeletor is informing all of Planet He-Man that he is #winning.
We all know how that will end up, right? Skeletor will lose this battle but be offered another sitcom.
Because we reward bad behavior.
With his sword in one hand, and a laser-shooting gun in the other, He-Man battles Storm Trooper Wannabes, pulls a wedgie, and battles more Storm Trooper Wannabes.
While on the mountainside, He-Man and his Glam Squad just saved an ugly ginger dwarf from a net. This Ugly Ginger Dwarf is supposed to be the comic relief, while also blatantly stealing from Jim Henson. Apparently, Ugly Ginger Dwarf has the answers to why Skeletor captured Castle Grayskull. Ugly Ginger Dwarf is an inventor, and he created a Cosmic Key -- the Tesseract of "Masters of the Universe."
And Skeletor, much like Loki, wants it. Wants it bad. Because when activated, the Cosmic Key is actually a synthesizer that opens portals to other worlds.
Jem would be so jealous.
Uh-oh, while listening to Ugly Ginger Dwarf play some of the top 40 hits from 1987, Skeletor's Mob Squad discovered Ugly Ginger Dwarf's hideout.
To Castle Grayskull to save Meryl Streep as Sorceress Cher!
Skeletor is currently sucking the power away from Meryl Streep as Sorceress Cher. She pantomimes in white light, performing harder than she has ever performed before. Skeletor and He-Man are now having the first of many fights proclaiming: Mine Is Bigger Than Yours.
He-Man is whipping his cape back and forth whilst his two buddies, Lady Buddy and Man Buddy, have his back. Ugly Ginger Dwarf, meanwhile, wails away on his Cosmic Key like it's a keytar, playing the Top 40 Hit of 1987: "Walk Like An Egyptian."
Hark -- yonder portal opens to Earth, where Courtney Cox awaits right outside Central Perk.
It's all lasers and black light as He-Man and his Glam Squad disappear through the portal.
A He-Man in the City
Through the portal, they arrive. Is it a jungle? Are they in the Amazon?
Oh, no. They lost the Tesseract, I mean, Cosmic Keytar.
"We could be in any part of the galaxy," Ugly Ginger Dwarf cries.
Perimeter search for the keytar!
But wait, there's a sound! They panic. What is it?
A COW! IT'S A COW!
Courtney Cox's last day at Robby's, the fast-food joint we all love. But, she needs to get away. Away from some boy, away from her family, away from this town. Away from it all! She needs to get 3,000 miles away. She needs a fresh start.
And boy-oh-boy is she going to get one!
I can't wait until He-Man and Courtney Cox's meet-cute.
Alas, she drives off with some guy -- I think it's the boyfriend she needs to get away from. He begs her to come to his soundcheck before her flight later that night.
Hiding in the bushes, we've got He-Man and his Glam Squad. Ugly Ginger Dwarf shoots a grappling hook. It lands in a convertible where a couple is making out. The grappling hooks grabs a bucket of fried chicken, and the makey-outey couple pays no notice. Ugly Ginger Dwarf pulls the bucket of Robby's Fried Chicken close. He sniffs. He salivates. His eyes roll back.
And then Man Buddy takes it away.
"I was gonna share! I was gonna share!" Ugly Ginger Dwarf cries out.
They all dig in. Lady Buddy is amazed at how good food on a white stick tastes, until she realizes it's an animal. Then gags.
"I'm Vegan," she says.
To add some drama, Courtney Cox is at the cemetery saying goodbye to her parents' graves -- apparently the family she needs to get away from is...dead? She blames herself. Boyfriend says it's not her fault. It was a plane crash. "I wish I could change things," she says. Then, as they walk away, they discover the Cosmic Keytar, just laying there unscathed.
"What? I'm at a graveyard saying goodbye to my dead parents? Who cares!" Courtney Cox cries out. "I just discovered a blinking keytar synthesizer!"
You see, Boyfriend is a musician. This could be a career changer.
So, while Boyfriend wails away on the Cosmic Keytar, Skeletor and his Mob Squad are waiting in the wings for it to be activated so they can latch onto its signal. Boyfriend takes it to the his soundcheck -- which looks to be a sad wedding reception in a sad gym. Courntey Cox waits off to the side. She's getting worried she'll miss her flight because Boyfriend is obsessed with the Cosmic Keytar. You know how guys and gadgets are, right? It was like that in '87, too.
Then, as he performs Hearts' "Alone," a magic light show starts to emit from the tip of the Cosmic Keytar.
Skeletor is biding his time, waiting for his censors to lock onto the Cosmic Keytar's signal. Apparently, he, too, can create portals. His portals are probably smaller than He-Man's portals. But regardless! Now that he knows where He-Man and his Glam Squad escaped to, he will be joining them.
To overthrow He-Man and his Glam Squad, that is.
Skeletor is tired of living in He-Man's shadows. He may not have hair to tease and a mullet to flip, but he is brilliant in his shiny, punk-rock, goth garb. And the universe needs to know it.
Skeletor is presented with the best and most malicious fighters to aid in his retrieval of the Cosmic Keytar. I present to you: Blade, Zur-rog, the Beast Man, and Carbs.
Boyfriend wants to go show his new Cosmic Keytar to someone, and Courtney Cox wants to stay in the gym alone, to say goodbye to the place. Then, Blade, Zur-rog, the Beast Man and Carbs fly through their own portal and show up -- killing all who get in their way!
When Courtney Cox sees Carbs, she screams!
Boyfriend's speaker has been shot! She hides on stage! Beast Man gets caught up in glitter streamers! Who will win? Beast Man or the Glitter?
Blade shoots darts from his wrist, but they hit the door as Courtney Cox escapes. She leaves the gym ablaze. It looks like a scene from "Carrie."
Courtney Cox runs through the streets screaming, and then, she runs right into He-Man's glistening pecs. She almost breaks her nose. Then, He-Man hands Courtney Cox his laser gun and tells her to protect herself. She looks at it and realizes that her acting career will only get better because, well, it just has to.
He-Man fights Zur-rog, Zur-rog loses. Blade approaches, and he's been waiting a long time for this, and he tries to kick He-Man's butt, but He-Man's butt is just too firm. He doesn't skip leg days.
He-Man's Glam Squad to the rescue! Now it's an even battle! Lasers! Explosions! Running!
He-Man assures Courtney Cox that her career will be better than his, but he still needs her help.
Boyfriend takes the Cosmic Keytar to some music store to show his buddy the Magic Lightshow of Doom. It's so Electric Light Orchestra. Then, a fire truck wails by. His equipment! No!
Meanwhile, He-Man is explaining everything to Courtney Cox, who is doing a great job suspending her disbelief, when the two of them realize that Boyfriend has the Cosmic Keytar.
"He's in terrible danger!" He-Man says, and they're off!
OMG! The principal from "Back to the Future" is a police officer in this movie! He's playing the exact same character. Poor guy is a victim of typecasting.
While He-Man and his Glam Squad are in the back alley, Ugly Ginger Dwarf hijacks a car, and back on Planet He-Man, Skeletor plays the angry parent card, as he yells at his Mob Squad for being complete failures. You know as well as I do that if you want to get something done, you need to do it yourself.
The Principal from "Back to the Future" who is playing a cop in this movie takes Boyfriend to Courtney Cox's house to look for her when he notices the Cosmic Keytar. He starts to play it. Not a good idea because the microwave in the kitchen blows up.
Whoops. It must not like synthesizer.
Now the Principal from "Back to the Future" is mad. He's going to go around the town and call everyone slackers. He leaves with the Cosmic Keytar, but Beast Man and the other members of the Mob Squad find Boyfriend. They attack. He just swings his arms and yells, "Get outta here! Get outta here!"
Then Beast Man wallops Boyfriend's face, slams him against the wall, and the Lady member of the Mob Squad (Evil Lynn) kneels down, and places a giant necklace on Boyfriend that forces him to tell the truth. He does.
Here's the real question: Does anybody outside of Courtney Cox's suburban home notice the space ship that's just hovering outside while Faux-Storm Troopers stomp around with giant laser guns?
The Mob Squad leaves, but He-Man and the Glam Squad shows up to Courtney Cox's house and saves Boyfriend.
The Fight for the Cosmic Keytar Continues
He-Man and the Glam Squad meet up with the Principal from "Back to the Future" at the music store. These silly mortals are all trying to figure out the mystery that is the Cosmic Keytar.
And the spaceship is now in the middle of the street downtown. And the street is empty. It's either 2 a.m. when all of this is happening, or having civilians in this movie was too expensive. File under "All the Things Wrong With This Movie."
We are currently hiding behind speakers, keyboards and guitars as we wait for the Mob Squad to show their ugly faces. If I wrote He-Man, I would totally have written a climactic fight scene in a music store. But to make it more interesting and bigger, I would've had it happen at a Sam Goody, not a small, independent store.
He-Man's Glam Squad battles, while the silly humans wait in the back of the store, going through inventory. Ugly Ginger Dwarf is trying to figure out the right chords to play the Cosmic Keytar, while Courtney Cox looks out the window and sees a vision of her dead mom.
Don't fall for it, Courtney! She's wearing that ugly cardigan you hated so much! You can't trust her! Vision of Dead Mom convinces Courtney to steal the Cosmic Keytar from the Glam Squad. No!
And then Vision of Dead Mom turns into Evil Lynn! Courtney Cox raises her hands to her face and gives her best dramatic what-have-I-done scream.
Evil Lynn takes the Cosmic Keytar, plays an interlude, and summons Skeletor.
OK, writers. At what point did it seem legit to have Skeletor show up on a flying throne that moved hovered through the midnight street of small-town America?
Regardless of how I feel about this cinematic masterpiece, the battle continues. Skeletor continues his approach down main street. He-Man flies around on a hoverboard, but don't worry -- he's got better balance than Mike Tyson. He uses his grappling hook to steal the Cosmic Keytar from Evil Lynn.
She hollers a less convincing what-have-I-done scream as the Cosmic Keytar is ripped from her hands. But whatever, in an anti-climactic battle, He-Man flies to the top of a building, Courtney Cox screams out, "He-Man, No!" and gets shot in the leg by Skeletor's purple lightning (where somewhere off in the distance, Prince writes the lyrics to "Purple Rain").
Skeletor seems to have won, by making He-Man his slave, and they all go back through a portal, leaving behind the rest of He-Man's Glam Squad. They take the injured Courtney Cox to a fountain to clean off her bubbling, blistering leg burn, but that's as good as it's gonna get. They're all stuck there.
Ugly Ginger Dwarf tells Boyfriend that they can't get home without the "tones." Lucky for them all, Boyfriend is a "Song Maker." He whistles the tune. With his musicality and Ugly Ginger Dwarf's ability to invent -- they will create a new Cosmic Keytar.
They will stop Skeletor and his Mob Squad from becoming the ultimate party band!
That's all this movie is -- it's one giant "Battle of the Bands." Whomever controls the Cosmic Keytar plays at the high school dance!
The real villain in this movie isn't Skeletor. It's the Principal from "Back to the Future." His inability to grasp inter-dimensional travel and Cosmic Keytars will thwart the Glam Squad from getting home. He's sneaking up behind them as they build a new one. He's going to ruin everything!
He's the worst!
Luckily, while he reads them their rights, the portal opens as Boyfriend plays the keyboard and transports them to Castle Grayskull.
But before they get there, let's see what Skeletor and He-Man have been up to: He-Man is in chains, Meryl Streep as the Sorceress Cher is looking old from being drained of all her power, and Skeletor just became the Master of the Universe by using He-Man's sword. Instead of a sad sparkly black hood and cape, Skeletor is now wearing a shiny gold helmet with a ton of horns on it -- he has stolen the Glam look from He-Man!
"Look who has the Glam Squad NOW!" he proclaimeth. "Kneel!"
Even Skeletor's Mob Squad is beginning to worry. He's just too fabulous. He's going to get an even bigger ego than he already has.
Now that the original Glam Squad is back from small town America, the fight is on!
Here's the thing, though. Skeletor is the Master of the Universe now, and he just sits and watches the fight. Like, if he were a real Master of the Universe, he would've just waved his hand, and He-Man and the rest of his Glam Squad would be dead.
Or does it not work that way?
I lost the instructions to my Castle Grayskull playset years ago.
It doesn't matter -- He-Man got his sword back, yelled out, "I have the power!" and smote Skeletor, forcing him down a shaft mimicking a famous scene featuring a Sith Lord and a returning Jedi.
Ugh. Even if you have Netflix and could watch this movie, don't. You don't have to have the power. Just go see "The Force Awakens" again.