We start with the delicious summer soundtrack of crickets in the background and the "aaaahhh's" of the chorus. Remember, for an epic movie of this stature, we must first start with some ominous action.
The trees separate.
The men with their hard hats wait.
An Australian holds a tranquilizer gun.
It seems either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton has been delivered in a cage. He/she squeals from inside. All the men in orange hard hats take precaution. The Australian puts another shrimp on the barbie. A gate is raised, but wait!
Trump or Clinton is just too strong for the all these men. He/she kicks back the cage and attacks!
Crocodile Dundee shouts "shoot her! Shoot. Her!"
It was Hilary Clinton!
This adventure movie was 65 million years in the making
Cut-to: We're brushing sand off a bone. Oh, look! We're at the Children's Museum Dino Dome!
Wait. Just kidding. It's Sam Neil and Laura Dern, our Dino Divas. We just shot some kind of camera thingee into the ground to look at some velociraptor via X-ray. As they look up at the screen, talking about how the raptor is related to birds, a bratty kids shows up all middle school and says:
"That doesn't look very scary to me! Like some giant turkey."
And Sam Neil, with the eyes of a raptor, approaches the brat, pulls out a claw, and shows exactly how the dinosaur would gut the kid.
And that my friends, is how you discipline middle schoolers! Where can I find a velociraptor claw? I'll wear it around my neck like a shark tooth.
OH NO! John Hammond, Mr. Spare No Expense, has arrived! Let's start the game: every time John Hammond says "spare no expense," take shot.
His helicopter is blowing sand all over the place, destroying the fossils. But, it's OK, because somehow Hammond is important because Neil and Dern are impressed, and he's trying to sway them to come visit some kind of park.
"I've spent a gajillion dollars, Spare No Expense!"
Take a shot.
The Dino Diva's don't seem so impressed. Like, why would they want to go to some park like Disney World, huh? Wait, what? He's bribing them by funding the Dino Divas' dig for three years!
That is, if they make it out alive.
Now we're at some shack on an island with Neeewman. He's sketchy, obviously, and smarming-it-up in his Hawaiian shirt.
"Derp, derp, derpidy, derp," he says, spitting everywhere, pit stains flying. "I'll bring you back your dino embryos, along with a gallon of danger."
And so, we now have a villain. He's going to take his can of shaving cream back onto the isle of Jurassic Park, steal some contraband, and die.
We return to the Dino Divas as they fly a helicopter onto the island with Mr. Hammond and Jeff Goldblum. This helicopter ride is a bit rocky, but little does he know, he'll be flying a space ship next summer, saving the world from aliens in "Independence Day."
My question Mr. Goldblum is...how does one go from surviving a nightmare trip to an island with roaming dinosaurs and an alien invasion, the next summer, to being the spokesman for Apartments.com? Sadly, Netflix doesn't give me the ability to access the commentary to help explain Goldblum's decline.
I mean, sure he's going to be in "Independence Day: Resurgence" but since Will Smith isn't going to be in it, the movie doesn't even matter.
So, we've almost got our entire surviving cast together, but first, we must make a pit stop in our Jurassic Park Jeep to look at brachiosauruses eating their salads. The Divas are having Dinogasms as they watch the long-necked herbivores munch on tree leaves.
"I also made the terrible decision to create a T-Rex, too," Hammond says.
"You've got a T-Rex?" Sam Neil asks.
"I've got a T-Rex," Hammond says. "Why wouldn't we invite the meanest girl to the dinosaur party?"
It really is just reptilian "Mean Girls." If T-Rex can't be the most popular dinosaur on the island, then no one gets to be popular. And there you have it, the overriding theme of this movie. It's not about whether man should play God, but what happens when the most popular can't be the most popular.
Exposition time: instead of our characters saying things, we're going to have an animated piece of DNA tell the story. This is all true, by the way. Scientists really did stick a needle into a piece of amber that had a prehistoric mosquito in it. Then, they took the DNA of a frog mixed it with the DNA of a dinosaur in a Dixie Cup and wallah! Instant velociraptor.
It's better than Cup-A-Soup.
"Those aren't noodles," Hammond says. "They're entrails."
Spare no expense!
The Dino Divas are not happy with passively sitting around on their ride learning about how dino babies are made ("You see, Jimmy, the egg is delivered by a pterodactyl..."). Instead, they break free, go into the lab, and watch a baby dinosaur push it's tiny head through an egg, covered in goo. It pops out, claws, squeals, and it's just so tiny.
That little dinosaur is just so adorable. It's just so tiny. It's just so... Veruca Salt storms in: "But, Daddy, I want a little velociraptor of my very own!"
And all the dinosaurs on Jurrasic Park are female.
Oh, that's right! Jeff Goldblum is a Chaos Theorist...or whatever. He's all, "It doesn't matter if the dinosaurs are all female, nature will find away."
But it doesn't matter -- Hammond has spilled the beans. There are velociraptors on the island. Who cares about the T-Rex. The real Dino Diva in this movie is the velociraptor.
No wonder the T-Rex is jealous.
And Crocodile Dundee is not amused. "And that's why they should all be killed."
"Now, now," Hammond says. "No dinosaur needs to be killed over popularity."
There are quite a few mixed emotions. The lawyer that was super-skeptical is now going on about how people would pay $1,000 to come to the park. He's salivating. He can't wait to make t-shirts and key chains. He's all on board with coupon days, too!
Jeff Goldblum is not happy about the dinosaurs. They had their chance. Skepticism abounds. And no one is eating. That Sicillian Sea Bass looks absolutely scrumptious, and they're all worried about whether dinosaurs belong in the 20th Century or not. Like, c'mon people, where are your priorities? That, and you need to eat.
Seriously. Why aren't you eating? Stop talking about whether it's ethical or not and take a bite of the delicious food. It's probably $500 a plate, and you're just holding onto the table, furrowing your brows, spewing doom and gloom all over John Hammond.
Fine, then. When you get stranded in the park, while hiding from the jealous T-Rex, and your stomach starts to growl, don't come cryin' to me.
By the way, Laura Dern has Harry Potter glasses. She'll get a lightning bolt scar at some point, probably while being chased by the velociraptor.
I mean, that's how I got mine.
If John Hammond wasn't irresponsible enough, creating dinosaurs from a box of Jiffy, he's invited his grandchildren to tour the island. Some of you worry about your parents buying candy or toys for your children, or accidentally buying a violent video game.
Hammond's grandchildren get chased by a 9 ton T-Rex.
Makes your parents look pretty good, doesn't it?
The tour jeeps have just arrived to send the innocent people to their tropical doom.
"Spare no expense."
Take a shot.
In the Jungle, the Mighty Jungle, the Lion Got Eaten by the T-Rex
We are now approaching the epic wooden doors. They're opening, and they look like the garage door for the Ark.
Hammond is not with all his
"Spare no expense," he says into the microphone.
Take a shot.
Ladies and gentleman, you'll see the Dilophosaurus, or the Dollypartonsaurus, or whatever, on your left. It's beautiful and deadly, but sadly, you don't get to see it. Now, press your faces against the glass and be completely bummed, but don't worry. You'll be able to experience the park in all its glory in just a few minutes.
The clouds descend from the sky as Tropical Storm Trump begins to move in. The Jeeps come to a complete stop, and the stage is set for dinner. Poor Billy Goat Gruff is stuck on a chain, waiting to be eaten, but Sam Neil, with his velociraptor eyes, tells us all that you can't just feed a T-Rex. The T-Rex wants to hunt.
And guess what T-Rex, once Tropical Storm Trump hits. You will.
Why, I've got a nice lawyer ready for you.
*slaps claw back*
No, no, no! Not yet. You need to wait until the lawyer is sitting on the toilet, then you can eat him.
We've hit a lull in the movie. Jeff Goldblum is flirting with Laura Dern, Sam Neil is trying not to be jealous like a T-Rex, but then Sam Neil just hops out of the car.
Cut-to: John Hammond saying, "How many times have I told you that we need locking mechanisms on the car doors."
Worst. Grandpa. Ever.
Luckily, we're not in any danger, as we all hop out of the car, playing follow the leader with Sam Neil. It's just a gigantic pile of triceratops poop.
"I'm feeling kinky," Laura Dern says, giggling, as she puts on a long plastic glove and sticks her hand in the giant pile of dino bowel movement.
Like, how does she know what's wrong with a living, breathing dinosaur when all she's ever done is study plant fossils?
"Hey, Sam Neil, don't just lay on the dinosaur! It's sick! You'll catch it!"
*thunder in the background*
While all this is happening, Neeewman is hacking the Jurassic Park computer system. John Hammond, didn't you check his Facebook page before you hired him? I'm sure his Instagram is man-trampy.
While Neeewman steals some dinosaur embryos, and the computer systems all start shutting down, and Tropical Storm Trump sails in, and the ominous John Williams score crescendos, T-Rex is in the bathroom getting ready for her big reveal. She's putting just the right amount of goat blood on her lips to make them voluptuous.
Now, Neeewman takes his stolen embryos, steals a Jeep, and runs into the sign that points him to the dock where his boat is waiting, all while "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" was playing on the radio.
"This is the perfect soundtrack to die to," he says, tapping the steering wheel.
While Neeewman works toward his inevitable end, our guests are stuck back at the T-Rex exhibit, waiting for her big reveal for "What Not to Wear: Jurrasic Edition." After the Dino Divas have gone through her closet, getting rid of all the terrible over-sized, animal prints, the rest of them wait to see how fabulous T-Rex looks with some form-fitting Triassic Leather.
As she's about to show her sassy new look, a goat leg just hit the sun roof of one of the Jeeps!
While this is all well and good, the lawyer just can't hold it anymore. He hops out of the jeeps, runs to the bathroom, and screams, "I can't hold it anymore!"
Then, with loud foot stomps and siren-like wails, T-Rex is about to make her grand entrance.
Wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...
And, ta da! T-Rex is here, girlfriend, and she is HONGRY.
But the big reveal is going all wrong. She's not happy at all. In fact, she's P.O'd that they made her get rid of all her animal prints and get a make-over.
She's going to kill all her guests!
I am so upset. I had almost finished editing the entire post when my browser froze. For some reason, the blog program I use decided that 6:18 p.m. was the last time I worked on the post and not 10:40 or so. In the YEARS I have used Blogger (and enjoyed the autosave), this has never happened to me.
What bums me out was that I had some pretty good jokes, too. I had Goldblum and Neil discussing the Jurassic Park sequels they were both involved with, I expanded on the ridiculousness that is the velociraptors. Oh well, maybe some day I'll watch the second-half of the movie and re-finish it. But today's not that day.
But there is one part that I remembered, so I will leave you with this:
There was this one bit when Sam Neil and the kids sit in the tree with the bronchiasauruses, so I introduced Grandma Bronchiasaurus, who put on her glasses and opened up "Goodnight Mesozoic Moon":
Goodnight Pangea, Goodnight gymnosperm
Goodnight Stegosaurus, Goodnight Invertebrate worm